0:05 We are at war all day, every day. Rather, you're for God or not. Like, the enemy is the devil who prowls around like a roaring lion waiting for someone to devour. Methamphetamine is a demonic drug. Is it? Oh, yeah. It will make you see and feel and do just the strangest things. It's got to be demonic. When no one else is seeing it and you're seeing it. Oh, yeah. It's demonic. All drugs are a form of demonic possession. That's why I got rid of the TV to begin with because everything that came on it was trash. Like, literal garbage. Movies and TV shows that glorified the life that killed all my friends. And, like, it could have killed me. Like, God is the only reason.
1:00 There's nothing I've done. Like, God knew that I would forever sing his praises. And I had to pray in Mama. I think that's the only reason, the only difference between me and all my friends that have died. And everyone that has died to addiction. Having Jesus be a part of your life doesn't make everything perfect. He's not a fairy God father. And, but he, you know, like, he works with me. Because if it weren't, if it wouldn't have been for all those terrible things that I had a front row seat to, I don't think I would ever truly love God the way that I do right now. Hilary, it's great to have you here. I think what's really interesting is I heard your story long ago. And you appeared at my church. And now we go to church together at the same church. It's really interesting to see how God has led you from one area to another area. Walk me through the story.
1:56 How did this all start? Um, well, I don't even know now that you ask. No. No. Things, life just, life happens. And anybody that says it doesn't is a liar. Um, just things happen. They seem small. And, you know, things just snowball out of control before you know it. Something you think you have under control and you just don't. I have some really severe back problems. And I was in car wrecks when I was young. I don't know for sure if they stemmed. Stemmed from the car wrecks. Or if the car wrecks just, you know, made them worse. Regardless, pain sucks. And, uh, I wasn't serving God.
2:48 So, you know, the thought of buying somebody else's prescription medication, like, wasn't wrong to me. Like, they need the money. I need to not hurt. So everybody, it's a win for everyone. And it just, addiction. Rather it be drugs or gambling. Or, you know, collecting things. Like, anything can be taken too far. Not as much with, you know, collecting things, I guess. But, um, yeah. Addiction sucks. And it happened fast. And, you know, before you know it, you have nothing. And you're like, what just happened? And I used to think that, um, time went by really fast while I was getting high. But now that I'm sober.
3:38 Like, time is flying by. Like, we just started 2025. Like, we just did that. That just happened. And now we're way over halfway through the year. Yeah. And it just, I'm like, I know we're all living life for the first time. Rather it be someone older and wiser or young and naive. Like, we're all doing this for the very first time. It's just, for me, I started doing drugs, like, before I was 18. And very full force when I was able to do what I wanted to do. Where were you? You were on Brainerd in Chattanooga area? I was. It's, somebody just bought it, um, the original, Diamonds and Lace. The original owner died and I saw where somebody painted it hot pink. And, um, you know, the enemy does that a lot with just all sins.
4:34 Like, the brownies that are so delicious are cutely wrapped. Sometimes. Sometimes they have a bow, a ribbon, like, how bad could they be? And like I said, I'm not trying to weigh in drugs with cupcakes. But, like, that building being purple at the time and lit up and pretty. And all these mirrors and just glamorous things. And it's just very deceiving, you know? Like, how bad could it be? Like, I'm just dancing in a bikini. Like, you go to the beach and see hundreds. Of people in bikinis. Like, how big of a deal is this really? Like, I need the money. I'm not doing anything bad. I'm not, um, you know, prostituting or anything like that. I'm not using a needle. I'm not shooting up. So, it's really easy to, well, at least I'm not doing that.
5:31 You know, the next person that's fallen asleep with a needle in their arm. You're like, oh, well, they're definitely worse off than I am. But, it wasn't long after that. When I was doing the same thing. So, I just find that none of us are any better than the next person. The person who's still in addiction in a hotel. On Bonnie Oaks, we are no better than them. And, anyways, it just seemed all, it all seemed so simple. And all the people there, you'd be surprised. Like, they were, like, just normal people. Yeah. Like, people think strip clubs and, like, just things like that. Like, these must just be bad people. These weren't bad people. All the girls, like, girls are not nice. I know you're a guy. So, you, but females are not nice. And these girls were nice.
6:23 And I don't blame them. Like, I, they weren't like, hey, you want to feel better than you do? I'm like, hey, where can I get some stronger drugs? You're like, oh, yeah, I know. Like, they're just being helpful. It's not, and I'm not, I'm not glorifying that lifestyle. I'm not saying it's okay. I'm not okaying it for everyone. It's just, I thought it was okay. I didn't think it was the worst thing I could be doing. And, so, the small prescription pills, you know, I don't, like, a hydro is the, you know, the very bottom line of a narcotic that a doctor or hospital will write for you. I'd say that most people watching this or that are alive have been prescribed, like, hydrocodone before. Rather it be a tooth or giving birth or just, you know, breaking your leg, anything. Like, they give you this drug.
7:19 So, it's not safe. I wouldn't say that because it's definitely addicting, addictive. And if you don't have it, you'll be sick. But I just, they weren't helping me. So, like, you move on to the next strongest thing and then the next strongest thing. And I landed at oxymorphone for a while. It's, like, you have to see, like, special pain, pain management people to get it. It's not, like, anything you'd be written unless there was something really wrong with you. And they were my favorite. I loved them. Couldn't get enough of them. And the only place that I could find them was an older guy on Birchwood Pike. God rest his soul. He's gone now. But. Old people really like their stuff.
8:14 So, they want a lot for it. They're like, I'll just keep it if you're not going to give me, you know, what I want for it, which is fine. Set your prices. They're your drugs. But they were really expensive. They were, like, they were $60 a pill and I needed one or two of them a day. So, not that any drug is inexpensive, but heroin was a lot cheaper than oxymorphones. Really? Oh, yeah. And, um, later at the, at, um, Diamonds and Lace, I found a guy, also, God rest his soul. He, um, he was like, well, I can get you those pills that you like. And I was like, well, how much? And he gave me some, like, I don't know, like, $15 or $20 that I'd been paying $60 for them for. So, um. They weren't laced or anything? They weren't, like, a knockoff placebo? No, he was an older guy as well. So, I think maybe he just, maybe he knew somebody that got them. This was, this was a long time ago. This was a long time ago. This was 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 years ago.
9:16 Things are a lot different. The drug world is a lot different now than it was, like, you never heard of anybody taking laced drugs. Like, um, I don't know. Have you ever seen the movie Friday? I think. With Ice Cube? Yeah, I think I've heard of it. Well, Smokey is a character there. He, um, he smoked marijuana with somebody else in the, in the thing and, like, and, like, freaked out. And, um, that's the only time I remember. And that was a movie of, like, somebody doing a drug back then and, like, oh, I didn't sign up for this. Like, you know, if you're, you're used to a drug and you know what it does, you're, like, okay, well, you're, like, ready for what it does. And then if it does something else, you're, like, I think I might be dying. And that just, I just don't feel like that used to happen. Yeah. And, like, people wanted their drugs.
10:03 And now, like, Fentanyl's in everything. Uh, I started doing Fentanyl. Mm-hmm. But I didn't know. Like, I was, um, I was pregnant with my son, my second born. And I was on house arrest because addiction in and out of. Give me a timeline. Um, 15 years ago is when, like, it started. So, um, I, you know, I got, I led up to the oxymorphone. I went into heroin. And, um, my, I had my little girl. Oh, yeah. And, uh, I did not. My pills. My pill lady was, like, you're pregnant. And I was, like, no, I'm not. And I can't believe you would say something like that to me. You could tell. I mean, you could tell. I was really, really small because, um, when you do some type of downer or narcotic heroin or anything, you don't want to eat afterwards because that, like, kills your high.
11:00 Your butt starts to fade away. So, I didn't eat. I was so skinny. The biggest part of my legs were my kneecaps. Like, my thighs were so skinny. Like, my, I was like a cartoon. I was a cartoon character where they just, like, drew circles for the kneecaps. And, um, so she was like, I'm not selling you any more drugs until you take this pregnancy test. Like, she went, upon her own free will, went out and bought a pregnancy test and was like, I'm not selling you pills until you pee on this stick. And a lot of people are like, she still sold you the drugs? And I'm like, yeah, that's what she said she would do. If you'll take this test, I'll sell you the drugs. And not. I'm not okaying what she did or does or used to do. I don't know what she's doing with her life now. But the baby was going through this addiction with me. So, her not selling me the pills wouldn't just, like, me being sick.
11:56 This baby that's growing in me is going through full-fledged withdrawals. And it's only a couple pounds. So, at least I know what's going on. That baby girl didn't know anything about anything. So, yeah, she sold me the pill. And, um. I got into a baby doctor and then a high-risk pregnancy doctor. So, I was still doing the pills up until then because I was waiting to get on something else that will make us both not feel like we're dying. So, um. And I'm not okaying that either. I'm just saying, like, six months she had been doing the drugs that I had been doing. And you didn't even know yet. Right. Yeah. So, take me back for just a second. Did you, you were, you went and first started because you needed money for the drugs, right? And then you went to the club and started at the club.
12:53 But it was, it wasn't a big deal to you because it wasn't, you know, it wasn't full-fledged prostitution or anything. Right. And so, then, somewhere between there and there, you had, you got pregnant. Were you in prostitution yet? Or were. Was it, how did it graduate from one to the next? I dabbled in prostitution. Like, um, you get a lot of regulars at strip clubs. And, um, there was a guy, he was older. He's, um, uh, but he was, he was, he was safe. He was an old farmer guy. And he was safe. And, um. Safe as in how? As in he wasn't going to murder me. Okay. He wasn't going to drug me. He wasn't going to kidnap me and, like, lock me in his basement. Um. How did you know that?
13:40 I don't know. You know, you just know. Like, I don't know. He was just, he was, like, a, just a genuine guy. That doesn't mean that he couldn't have killed me. Because, like, genuine people kill people. But, um, I don't know. I had seen him a while, like, in and out of the club. A long time before we ever met. And, like, the first couple times we met, like, we went out to eat. And, um. Oh, so he was at the strip club and he invited you out to eat afterwards? Mm-hmm. Okay. So this, it wasn't, it was, like, the easiest prostitution ever. Like, so it wasn't even penetration because, but that's what he wanted and he paid me good money for it. So just to kind of chat? He, I had to hang out with him longer because he, like, he wanted my company. And he paid me really well. So it wasn't just go and do this and it'd be over with. Well, I didn't like that. Like, I'm not trying to hang out with you. I have drugs to do. I'm a drug addict. I want to chain smoke cigarettes while I'm not off on my drugs.
14:36 And, um, restart the same thing. Yeah. 50 times because, uh, that's what I wanted to do. That's what I like to do. So it just kind of, you branch out from there. Like, another regular you see a lot. And he's like, oh, well, my warehouse is down the road and blah, blah, blah. And this and that. And then, um, so it got to a point where it didn't matter. I didn't care if they were safe or not. Safe or not. I was, like, posting ads. Oh, okay. Yeah. So this is, like, a website you go to to find prostitutes. Uh, yeah, you go and make an account. You post some pictures, uh, where you're kind of located, how much your donations are. Because, you know, soliciting is prostitution. But if you're there, if they're donating and it's, you know, and maybe that's, I, I had never gotten in trouble or went to jail or, like, had a sting operation for prostitution.
15:36 And I would assume that was all glory to God. So it never happened. Because that's actually my next question. How did you avoid, on Backpage, being, uh, nabbed? Like, I know they do stings and stuff like that. Is it just, was it just a, a God thing or was it? It had to be. Okay. It had to be because, um, most people who, like, that is their living. They went to jail for it at least once. At least once. And, I don't know. It's definitely not luck. It's always God. But I don't care to tell people that I used to be a prostitute. Like, you're like, oh, I don't want that on my record. I don't want people to think that way of me. Like, I don't, I'm like, I told, I was at the United Grocery Outlet on 58 earlier and I saw a lady and she's like, your mom sent me your story. I loved it because I told her Jesus loved her. She looked familiar, but I didn't know where.
16:26 And, like, I've got, I've had a spotty past. So I may know you from church. I may know you from the strip club. And I may have, like, solicited sex to you. Like, so, and it was an older lady. So I don't, I don't think I did that with her. But, yeah, I just never know. And I don't want to. I don't want to say, oh, yeah, from church. And they're like, I was a bartender at the, just, I don't know. So, but she was like, I enjoyed it. I'm glad I could watch it. And I was just like, can you believe God turned a prostitute to a prophet? And, like, there's people standing around. So anytime I get to, like, raise my voice about my past, because people are like, prostitute? What is she talking about? So then they're listening. So I'm like, and God is good and all glory to God. So they caught the earful of prostitute. But they also. They also had to listen to me glorify God. So you say prophet.
17:14 Are you having dreams and visions? Or what do you mean? No, I just mean, like, the gift of prophecy. Because I, I just feel like this, this story is, or, yeah, and I mean, I'm working on it as well. But, like, my testimony is my prophecy, I feel like. So, and people are always, anytime I do this, they're like, oh, do you want to, do you have a title or something? And, like, prostitute to prophet. People are, like, really interested about that. Yeah. Or junkie to prostitute. Yeah. Or junkie to Jesus. Okay, yeah. So, no, I don't, I don't get prophetic visions or anything. That'd be cool, though, God. I wouldn't know what to do with them. Like, people won't listen to me tell them that Jesus loves them. If I knew what the future held, I don't know if I could make anybody believe it. Uh-huh. No, I mean, in the end, it says that people will have dreams and visions. And, and so I think that we're heading in that direction. But I really like what you said about how, how I don't care about what they think about my past.
18:10 I think that a lot of Christians need to get over the fact that we have a checkered past. I, I did a whole video about how God sees every Christian on earth as someone who has committed adultery against him. Because that's what he says in the, in the Bible. And so we have such, everyone has a checkered past, a really bad checkered past. And I think it's one of Satan's tactics to get out and say, I'm going to reveal everything that I know. And, and, you know, Christians like my honor, you know, my, my ego is going to hurt. And I think at the very end of time, when spiritualism does become a bigger thing in the world, I believe it is going to be, we're going to have to deal with that. And I think it's going to come down to a time when people are going to be like, I don't care anymore. I care about Jesus. And I think, I like that you've already come to that.
19:03 Oh yeah. People who try to hide their past. Like you might can say something to help. The next person and you want to hide it. You want them to think you're so perfect and you could literally change their life with the information that you are holding on to. Yes. And, um, I mean, I get it. I get it. But at the same time, like I don't, cause I, my Facebook, I've had the same Facebook since like I was really young. So I have acquired, you acquire friends on Facebook. Like maybe somebody you, um, met in a trap house for 30 seconds. Maybe. It's your mom's friend. Maybe some, like a family. It's so weird that how Facebook does that. Like I was, you know, you're in passing with another addict and then all of a sudden you, their name pops up.
19:53 You're like, Oh, a recommended friend. Like, did they just know our phones were near? That's a whole nother thing. That's a whole nother rabbit hole technology. I don't understand it. But, um, so I had my daughter, I got, got some prescribed subutext. That is something that they give people going through withdrawals. Okay. You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, um, you wait 48 hours from the last time you use, and then you can take that. And then all was, all was peaceful on the home front with me and her. We weren't sick. We weren't in withdrawals. Well, um. It helps get rid of the withdrawals after that, huh? Completely, completely gone. It's, um, I don't know the science behind it, but, um, it, that's what it's meant for. It's to, um, you know, get you, you're supposed to taper off of it. You take maybe an eight milligram dose. And then for a day or two, and then you go down to six for a day or two.
20:44 And like, you're supposed to come off of it, but that's not how it's used now. Like people, um, use it for years and years and years after getting sober. Um, and I don't say, I don't put that in air quotes to, um, take away from anybody who thinks that they are sober and doing Suboxone. If, if that is what helps you stay sober. It's, it's not what Suboxone was meant for, but I mean, the alternative is, um, doing street drugs and overdosing and dying. So, uh, me personally, I, um, I, I got off of it, but, um, whatever, you know, works for one may not work for another. So I understand that. But I also have, um, an, an older friend and she was prescribed Percocets forever and, uh, she's older. Like she was in the Navy. She saw the world, like she deserved pain pills. Like she was in pain. And then, um, her, her husband ended up dying and, and she was like, I'm sick of at the end of the month needing to find a few more because you know, like, oh, my pain's really worse than it was yesterday.
21:59 I'll just take one extra. Well, after you've done that eight days out of the month, you're two days short at the end. And, uh, I know she hurt, but she got on, she got put on Suboxone. And, uh, she says she, I ran into her at Walgreens on 58 a couple of weeks ago. And, uh, I was like, so are you, are, you know, are, are you still sober? This and that. And, uh, she was like, I take a little piece of the Suboxone in the morning. And then if I don't feel like I need it, I won't take it. She's like, but it helps with my pain. So, you know, same with that. Like what's, should she be dope sick for two or three days a month? Or should she take a sliver of this? It actually helped her and she actually does have pain. So. I guess that depends on who you ask. But, um, so the doctor was like, you're going to take this much. And I was like, we need to cut it down.
22:53 She's going to withdraw from this when she's born. And he's like, no, she won't. I'm a specialist. He did not have a good bedside manner, but, um, and it was my first kid and I was coming off drugs. It was just a whole bad scenario. But, um, she did, she, uh, did withdraw after I gave birth to her for several days. And, uh, she was so pitiful. You were having your kid and you were, you still had, um, she was going through withdrawals. You were taking that medicine and you said, um, and were you still in prostitution while you were pregnant? That's my question. I was not. Okay. So you had gotten out. Did you go back in afterwards? Okay. Yeah. I just, um, I think I may have.
23:42 I think I may have done like a few small things, but, um, yeah, no, I was just, it was such, it was such at the end of this pregnancy that I finally like admitted to being pregnant like six months. I mean, you're almost done. So I guess, yes, I was, I was still prostituting and doing shady stuff. The first part of, um, my pregnancy. And then after she got here, I was like, you know, things are going to be different. They're going to be good. And I. They wrote me like a bunch of Percocets, a bunch of Percocets. Percocet is, tell me again what that is. So it's just a little bit higher than a hydro, some hydro Percocet. And, um, I don't know, like, I feel like it was like 60 or 90 of them. That's a lot. Yeah. A couple of days and you'll have withdrawals from taking them and they like full, but back up.
24:37 So, uh, while I lay next to her, while she was going through withdrawals and like a baby going through withdrawals. Withdrawals is the saddest thing you've ever seen. She was just like trembly and she would take a deep breath and she would like, she'd quiver like it was hard for her to do it. And so sad. And I could not wait to do a pill. Oh, really? Yeah. My pill lady came and saw me at the hospital. She wanted to see the baby and, um, her and. She was ready to sell you more. Well, I had my baby daddy follow her. That's not what she came to do. She came to see the baby. They both held the baby. They, um, they thought a lot of me. They, I wasn't just some junkie prostitute to them. Like they were, they were nice drug dealers.
25:32 They weren't selling anybody anything that was killing them. So yes, they were technically nice drug dealers. Um, and like I said, this was my daughter's eight. She turned eight in July. So this was, you know, it was a lot of work. You know, before even her. So, um, they walked, they went through this entire pregnancy with me. They're like, you're pregnant. And I'm like, I am not. No, I'm not. I was pregnant, Brad. I was, I was very, I was noticeably pregnant. And, um, so afterwards I got my baby daddy. I was like, go sell her that you hadn't been sleeping good here. That, um, you just want to go home and you haven't slept good and ask her. She'll sell you a pill. So, I mean, she didn't just come and hand me one. Yeah. Your baby daddy was still in your life. He wasn't just a client. He was something more or how did that work? He was, um, he's a cool guy. He's in prison right now, which he doesn't deserve to be.
26:26 Um, my other baby daddy actually deserves to be in prison, but he's roaming the streets. So funny how that works. Yeah. Funny how that works. But, um, yeah, me and his name is Mike. We were together and he was so great. He was great. Doctors appointments. Walking me in the emergency room. Like not making fun of me when I did weird pregnant stuff. And he just, he's such a good guy. And like, he would go and he would work like third shift. I don't know what shift he was. He would, he would work like a whole shift and then come home and watch the baby so that I could rest. Like guys now don't do that. They're like, figure it out. I'm playing call of duty. I don't know. Um, so he was great.
27:14 He was so great. He was so great. He was so great. He was so great. He was so great. He was so great. And he, and he worked and we did stuff and we were still using, um, just the, uh, oxymorophones at the time. So you both were, this is kind of what bonded you. Actually, he, um, when we met, he, his drug of choice was, uh, meth. So, and so meth is an upper, it'll have you up for as long as you want to be up. It'll keep you up. Wow. So, yeah. Um, not. I guess, um, people who have ADHD who do meth can like do a line of it and lay down and go to sleep. I do a line of it and I'm like, I'm talking to something on the wall. Yeah. And like, I can tell you what, what it's saying and what it looks like. And you're like, that's not there. And I'm like, yes, it is. Yeah. I'm not crazy. Do you think some of that was spiritual?
28:12 Do you think, or is this something that happened in your head? Oh, I think it's definitely. Spiritual, uh, methamphetamine is a demonic drug. Is it? Oh yeah. Uh, it will make you, um, see and feel and do just the strangest things like, um, clean your whole house at two in the morning and then tear it all apart because you have misplaced the smallest, most random thing ever. Um, it's. It's. Huh. Uh, if anybody that you talk to who says that they used to use meth or even currently using meth, I'd say more than a third, more than two thirds of them would be like, yes, absolutely. This is the devil. That drug is demonic. It is the devil. I have seen and heard stuff on that drug that I have never in all of my, and these are like old people who did Woodstock, you know, they did all the clean drugs. Like there wasn't, like I said, when Woodstock, people weren't just over, you know, they weren't overdosing right and left because they're just cleaner drugs.
29:19 But, um, yeah, so, uh, I'm sorry. No, no, this is interesting. And, and cause we've talked a lot on the channel about DMT and DMT kind of opens your mind up to what they think is, uh, they're communicating with, with spirits and extraterrestrials and all this other stuff. And so fun. Yeah. And so then the DMT and there is something called. Hiawaska. Yes. And that's a very similar effect. They say. I've never, I've never done Hiawaska. I don't think I've done the, what you said, DMT. DMT. I don't think I've ever used that either, but I guess different crowds, like, um, you know, white people, well, I don't know. White people used to like to do meth and then like, um, cocaine was for black people. So the same thing.
30:11 It's just, you know, that's just different races. You think like they generally like have their drug of choice and I mean, but this is Fentanyl thing that like it is. Yeah. What is Fentanyl? This is a new thing because I don't know much about Fentanyl. Actually Fentanyl was, um, originally introduced, uh, for, for the war. So it was like a Fentanyl lollipop. So when somebody got their leg blown off in combat and they were like, uh, like, uh, like, uh, like, uh, like, uh, like, uh, like, uh, like, uh, like, uh, like, and screaming at the top of their lungs. Like they were going to get us found out. Like they're going to, all they're screaming and stuff. They're going to know exactly where we are. So they'd pop one of these suckers in their mouth. If you could think of something strong enough for like you missing a leg and like, it's something strong enough that you can just suck on a sucker and it stops your leg hurting.
31:03 And you stop screaming. What in the world? And so that's, um, and then that I think Fentanyl is something they give you, like you can get it in a patch. So maybe, maybe. the oxymorphone uh makes you sick maybe taking it or something like doesn't sit well with you so they give you a patch and like on it it's like do not rip the patch do not break the seal and then like i guess you just put it your back your neck wherever you're having problems and it just releases yeah uh i i cut one of them open one time and it didn't do anything for me like that's that i guess there's there's different kinds so like the kind that you get on the street you can you can smoke it you can snort it you can shoot it and it'll all get you high but um fentanyl patches help with pain that it's stuck on and then um yeah and anesthetic they'll give you fentanyl with anesthesia or maybe it's part of the anesthesia or maybe it's for the like if it's a major surgery it's for like they kind of give it to you for when you're you're you're waking up but they still want you to feel good it's um it had a good purpose now um now people are doing all kinds of stuff with it yeah and it's like there it was um it was called iso so i i guess iso but before i stopped using that was a thing and they're like it's synthetic like they're making it and um i don't know i don't know yeah fentanyl okay and um called iso yeah okay i don't know and now there's like um there's new kinds like the last i heard when my baby daddy maybe it was like there's i heard there's three different kinds out now i'm like i don't know what that meant a fentanyl but yeah but um sometimes you get it and like it would be um white powder and sometimes it'd be like kind of white rocks and then sometimes it would be purple um and you know this isn't crack this is they're still talking fentanyl we're still talking about fentanyl so um yeah and uh people now um you can go on amazon maybe ebay and you can buy a pill press and you can press this pill that will look identical to um and you get the color right it'll even look the colors will be right of um a drug that you get from the pharmacy so like even some older people who their grandkids are stealing their pills or they've got the shakes and they drop a couple down the sink well then you can buy a pill press and you can buy a pill that will look identical to um and you get the you know when they're dying from these withdrawals they're having to go out and find somebody that's got them and a lot of times what you're getting isn't you know the real thing and um you know the person that sold it to you might never in a million years want to hurt you but the person that they bought it from didn't care maybe they did they didn't necessarily want to hurt that person they were just like if it kills them you know wow um so uh yeah we did i we did okay i mean we were still using but like we were being parents and i was getting up with her during the night and i was taking care of her and stuff i guess i could say that's the closest thing to a functioning drug addict i ever was how are you making money while you were if you were in in the prostitution while you were pregnant my baby daddy was gotcha and um we were staying at my mom's my mom had a single wife next to her and uh when we all went to me and my dad and baby daddy were living on the street and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die in a trailer on 58 and the um the landlord himself was already always out of town so we always dealt with his wife and they um i don't know it was just a mess anyways we got out of there my mom was like well you guys move in here the renters are out and this and that so it was me and my dad and baby daddy so daddy worked too and um and i got food stamps so i mean the bills were paid and i had a tv to watch and snacks to eat so and kids to take care of now too yeah how many kids so far i have two okay and that's it yeah yeah no more and um so so i lost my daughter i don't know i think right before she was a year old and my mom took her and i lived next door to my mom so everything was okay she died or she was taken what do you mean by lost oh um she was taken i'm so sorry dhs um yes they were they came and they they drug tested me and they were like yeah you're definitely losing your daughter and my mom was like well i'm gonna take her and i didn't get it together i um we'd show up to i'd show up to court dates about the baby in question and i'd be high i couldn't keep my eyes open and i'd be like just
35:56 give me another chance and we they said another court date and um i think i eventually lost i like fully lost custody of her but i was so high and just in and out of it i didn't even know like but um after so long they revoke the temporary guardianship and they're like okay this person has to be the guardian because they'll just have to keep coming and um renewing the uh guardianship so my mom got her i don't know when that happened or where that happened along the line i didn't care and uh so years went by just me in and out to jail in and out of rehab how'd you go to jail uh just like stupid stuff honestly um gosh uh you getting pulled over and you have like cut straws or something drug paraphernalia so i went to jail for that and then um cut straws would put you in jail yeah this would blow my mind so there was something about cut straws that has something to do with this is how naive i am i don't know what cut straws have to do with drugs but apparently police know that that puts you in prison yes so um if you cut if you were to like kind of flatten a straw and cut it at an angle it would have like a point so like if you're doing drugs on the go you can just scoop it up and then wow so then you're not having to roll up a dollar bill break something up and then put it in a line and snort it you can just scoop and and go so um you know it's it's crazy like drug addicts are very crafty resourceful yes i um so how'd you learn all this i mean you were from other drug addicts and then um i think i actually i don't even know where i might have came up with this on my own but a full-length straw so you would just fold a little short part over and you would drop your pill in the long part and you would hold them together and i'd put them in my mouth and i'd just like chew it up and then i'd let the straw down and kind of tap it to loosen it up and then i'd just snort it from there so then you're not having to break something down on a counter and use a card and scrape it up and then lick the line it's just um the whole process of addiction is instant gratification so the the quicker i the best way i can figure out to do this pill that gets it gets it down the quickest and that's like the most efficient that's what i need to do and if we need to um get the most high out of it yes that's why you snort it versus just picking it as a pill and ingesting it yeah and then um and then like you said to get the most out of it so if if you snort it then there's powder left in the straw then there's there's there's dust on the card and then i mean i'm talking like microscopic amounts of dust but like in your head you're like oh i need to get all of that i need to be sure i consume every crumb every piece of dust so the straw method was just the least amount of losing it i guess you could say but um so my mom had my daughter and i was in and out of jail and out of rehabs i'm living in hotel rooms prostituting doing literally whatever so you went back to prostitution after you got the kids um wait wait tell me again your your kids both kids were gone well i hadn't had my son yet okay so my daughter was gone with my mom and so i i was could do what i wanted to do and i wanted to get high so i definitely did that and this went on for years and uh i got pregnant well i went to jail and everything that happens while you're in addiction is just like it wasn't even that big of a deal and i was like i'm gonna go to jail and i'm gonna go to jail and i'm gonna go to jail and i'm gonna go to jail it wasn't even a big deal what are y'all freaking out it wasn't even a big deal and that is so true in your mind you're like these people they're the problem i'm not the problem like why is everybody freaking out that there's something that's major uh i i did there was this there was this mexican guy i needed a hotel room he didn't speak good english i don't this isn't why i went to jail i don't remember it's a blur but i remember one time i um it's mexican he was like doing google translates he was like i was i told him my rates he said he didn't have that he told me the amount of money that he had well that was enough to get me a room at the motel six is a i think not the cheapest hotel but um not yeah much much better as a crack hotel for sure um so i was like get me this room we'll hang out for a little while no sex or anything and then you leave and you let me keep the room and he was like okay he was a really nice guy he we like i said i didn't know what he
40:57 was saying or he was thinking because he didn't speak english and like we were kind of doing google translate but um baby daddy number two that's who i was with at the time um he like came and knocked on the door and he said something about a gun well i guess the mexican understood that word and like he went he like picked up his phone to 911 and like i i yanked it and i was like no no no no that's not like all he picked up was gun so it was just a huge mess so he like runs down to the front so i had his phone and i'm like there's no talking my way out of this this is even though that for real isn't what what it was there's like they're not gonna believe me i'm gonna i'm gonna crack hotel so um we just like everything was kind of still in suitcases so baby daddy was down at the hotel and i was like i'm gonna go to the hotel and i'm gonna go to the hotel and i'm gonna go to the bottom and i was like just second story just throwing our stuff off and he's like putting in the back and like we pull off and like cops pull in like right behind us well i still had his phone because i was like no so i was like i was a drug addict so i was like okay well let's unlock this phone let's try to sell it and um so i like when when i got arrested i had the unlocked phone on me so like they're like oh yeah she definitely robbed this little mexican and that's he didn't have any money brad that's why we were just hanging out he didn't have any money yeah i don't and but i i couldn't tell anybody that because like i just already looked yeah i just yeah i already it already looked like a bad situation i already looked suspicious i looked super guilty so but um anyways i i got pregnant with my son um baby daddy number two who was catching our belongings oh okay so that was together yes okay okay so his name is cayman and um so you meet him i lost my daughter and i went to rehab and then i did and he was there and um like he saw me and then like he got a note to somebody else that got it to me and it just was like he was just like i would have never forgiven myself if i wouldn't at least gave you my number something like that and um so like i texted him when i got out and he like he still had a little longer there so he um anyways he texted me when he got out nick that's kind of all it was and then uh we were doing an outpatient together so it's like three hours intensive outpatient it's like somebody that's never done drugs a day in their lives tries to like show you about how bad it is to do drugs sucked terrible i hated it longest three hours ever uh but anyways he was there too and then um i i picked him up one day and like we were late so they made us both leave and um we were just like together from there and uh we both had a lot of problems so uh and he was okay with you doing stuff on the side well i kind of wasn't right then because i had went to rehab and got out and i was like gonna do the right thing and then and not that it was his fault it was definitely not his fault but um i was i was trying to do the right thing i was trying to get my daughter back and he um he didn't he didn't help and i was like okay i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it but like i said it wasn't his fault he didn't have any kids he was really young um but uh yeah we met we we kind of were inseparable after that and this like a couple more years went by and then um i had went to jail and uh a lot of times people won't have after extensive drug use uh females won't have have periods and males will not be very fertile just because these drugs are literally sucking everything out of you and um so i got released from jail on to house arrest to my mom's house so i had been in there 22 23 days so i was like very sober when i got out sure so uh everything was like i just i had my my period had started again while i was in there which you're surrounded by all these girls anyways and i just it's not healthy to not have one for as long as i did so when when they came back they definitely came back and then i got put on house arrest and baby and um came in like he came to see me every now and then and um oh sweet yeah yeah but and i got pregnant so um i uh the house arrest is like you have to go once or twice a week to um take a drug test uh you can't
45:39 leave unless you have a medical emergency or the bracelet and everything oh yeah oh yeah i was styling and um so uh i got pregnant with my son so i had a reason to leave the house i had doctor's appointments and stuff and um i could literally just like make up something being wrong with me and i could have went to the emergency room and been like i was worried about the baby so um i that's just another one of the manipulative things of a drug addict so um then covid happened and the in-person drug test stopped you know they stay shut it down uh they didn't want if you didn't have to go in somewhere please don't like government like important people oh yeah like walmart or gas station or anything they're not they have to work but like important government places it shut down so they were shut down and uh she would just call me once a week and she'd be like how's it going blah blah and then like i'm going about my business well i was having all these doctor's appointments so i could leave the house a lot so i would leave the house and uh i'd go and i'd go and i'd go and i'd go and see my doctor so like i had the paperwork from it thought that i wasn't going to go see the doctor but i'd go see the doctor and then i'd leave and um i'd go and uh buy drugs and then um i had because a home phone it's what you have to have when if you ever have someone living here on house arrest you'll need a home phone but you have your pay phone so you're good um but it has to be because nobody has a home phone and my daughter doesn't even know what a landline is she's like and uh so we got my old trailer because i had done drugs in there for years it was just it was just a drug trailer this is just what it was and there's just it was just dirty and stuff had piled up and i was a hoarder because when you do meth everything is cool and you're gonna need it later and oh okay you better hold on to it because it's gonna come in handy interesting oh yeah so the weirdest stuff the weirdest stuff um yeah is that all i mean have you noticed that about one specific drug meth only or is that across many different drugs um i'm not a i'm not a thief sure but um xanaxes i'd like i'll look you in your face and like put your whole tv in my pocket like and then like when you say something like i'm like why are you being weird like i don't know why you're coming at me like that like um plenty of times on um i remember i was with um an acquaintance and uh she had taken i don't know xanaxes and klonopin kind of the same thing she had taken some klonopins and she was at her friend's house and then she left and um they text her and they were like hey you stole a bunch of our stuff we know you were on klonopins we know you're not like that just bring it back when you can like so people know like and they knew her they knew she wasn't just a thief like she was a thief and like people do xanaxes and klonopins and they steal stuff but with um meth it's kind of like collecting gathering like your own side quest like i must collect phone chargers so like just looking at all the wires around like even your router box like that thicker wire that like you might need that that might power a bluetooth speaker and you don't know it and we need to take it that yeah like broken cell phones um do you think this is changing something in the mind i know this is a very deep question is this changing something in the mind or do you think something is guiding you to think this way i think all drugs are a form of um demonic possession like a portal or not not really sometimes but it opens the mind up to allow things to yeah interesting okay and like we are um we are at war all day every day rather you're for god or not like the enemy is all way watch out for your great enemy the devil who prowls around like a roaring line waiting for someone to devour and you know it's a lot of times um one of the last i think the second to last rehab i went to um is called mirror lake in burns tennessee i remember like on the way i got back from the war i was like oh my god i'm gonna have to go back to up there there was a cat food truck that was on fire on Lincoln no cat food was flammable I don't know it's a side side story something I remember in Burns of all places yeah in Burns Tennessee
50:25 yeah cat food burning in Burns but uh we went we went there me and baby daddy both like we rode together they took they took us both baby daddy number two and um so we get up there and I I got COVID while we were up there I was like I really thought I was going to die because I was like I thought I was still having withdrawals because COVID and flu symptoms and withdrawal symptoms are very huh like that's the to trying to describe withdrawals to someone who doesn't do drugs you could say the flu like the cold the cold sweats the chills the aches the pains I can't get comfortable I'm awake I'm asleep it's just all that any nausea with withdrawals uh yeah yeah well I mean with some people I don't I never like threw up or anything I don't like I just oh I don't feel good but nausea is definitely something people um say that happens and yawning like you just keep yawning and you keep yawning and your eyes water and it's just a horrible time your pupils dilate so big and like you can feel that your pupils have dilated and which I guess most people wouldn't know that feeling because their eyes are always normal but um yeah it's it's it's it's crazy for me to even say that because you unless you experience it yourself you'll be like she's insane you just think I'm crazy well I mean before I mean 10 20 years ago I think you've probably experienced this I know I have you go to the eye doctor they put those drops in your eyes they don't do that anymore I don't think but but they used to put these drops in your eyes dilate your pupil and you have to wear sunglasses for the rest of the day and that happened to you oh yeah many times I don't remember even I've never had eye problems I've never had eye problems I've never had eye problems I've always been able to see that I don't think I've ever even been to an eye doctor where you cover your one eye at the pediatrician and you you read the um yeah yeah but do you do you remember like feeling that you could tell that your pupils were bigger okay so yeah it's like everything's bright crazy yes and like in addiction nothing is bright you're like you're you're in a hole you got stuff over the windows so like coming back into reality of being sober plus your eyes are dilating your eyes are like you're like you're like you're like you're like you're like you're like you're like you're like you're like you're like you're like you're like you're like you're like you're like really are because you're it's a bad time man it's a terrible time so uh we went we went to Burns Tennessee and we both finished the program and um I couldn't make it back to Chattanooga fast enough to use but that's besides the point um when people were getting ready to leave they would tell their stories so like the story I have like I didn't have a bad childhood I um like I didn't have I don't know I couldn't say the best childhood but like it wasn't bad I mean I just didn't have a pony and we weren't rich like definitely some you know some things that happened that I remember that um weren't great but uh that's you know that's life but these these people these women these ladies these girls like they had terrible stories the one girl she she was living maybe with a family member and the cousin stayed there a lot and like maybe it was just them in the house or everybody else was asleep I don't know but the cousin was like well come over here and lay with me and and then like and then the cousin raped her and then uh like she went and you know she was sad in another part of the house and he was like I'm sorry I'm sorry just please come back and lay down in here with me and we'll watch a movie like I won't do it again I'm really sorry that shouldn't happen and he raped her again and like she was young enough to be like okay I'll come back I'll come back and lay with you because it's not going to happen again like I don't remember I've done so many drugs since then and so much stuff has happened but I remember that and like you were there or you were told no I was telling the story from another lady that was about to leave the program okay so uh and then she said she got with a guy and like he was buying several several prostitutes a week and like and kind of for no reason just for his own like I don't know I mean how much how much sex can a person have you know and like for him to be buying multiple and I think maybe she put a number on it maybe she said $1,500 a week um in prostitutes and you know that that'll make you feel pretty crappy you're like you're you're buying prostitutes and like I'm here and she just had so many other things that were just so bad and I was like I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know so negative and so terrible like she had a reason to be a drug addict like everything in her life
55:18 pointed to yeah I at least drugs I won't remember it at least drugs I can zone out for a little while and I just it's crazy that you know I I didn't have an excuse I didn't have something I was trying to tune out something that and all these these all these people did man they had reasons to be drug addicts and like I said not that there is a reason but they had reasons like so um and so is that what did it for you that was like oh no no oh no lots more drug drug activity um after that but uh circling back to the first rehab I ever went to where I met baby daddy number two there was um a lady there she was older well to me at the time I was like 22 so she was probably my age or a little older maybe she was 45 and um she kind of the same thing there if you wanted to share anything before you left you could and she was black maybe she was mixed not that her race matters but she was really she was really short and she had she had really dark really pretty curly hair and her she wanted to share something with us so her story that she shared was she was a twin and she was in she was at home one night and I guess somebody from the neighborhood that like she was familiar with knocked on her door and was like hey do you want to get high she was yeah yeah I want to get high and like they were in her living room and like he was just kind of being fidgety and he's like let's go sit in the kitchen so like I don't know maybe he was like the the kitchen table you know it's just a different than I don't know I don't know but um so they were kind of they were doing drugs and they're you know just hanging out and then the twin sister comes beating on the door and like busting and was like sir you have to leave twin you're coming with me and like swooped in and just took her out out of there and I have the holy spirit just telling you this um so the twins went to stay at the safe twins house and they were like oh my god I'm going to not the twin that was doing drugs with the neighborhood crackhead the neighborhood crackhead went to the neighbor next door and murdered her in her kitchen no so that he that man was absolutely going to murder the twin in the kitchen like he I guess maybe he had it planned out maybe you know because it's linoleum in the kitchen maybe I need to get them in there and I need to do it in there I don't know you don't know what somebody's minds what's going on in somebody's minds but I those two stories like will always stick with me and like the one the the little black girl she you know I would have never met her she would have been murdered obvious for obvious reasons because she wouldn't have been alive but like I don't know that's just you know I feel like that was definitely god knocking on your door saying hey this is not a good place for you and I don't know where any of those ladies are and unless um it was somebody that I locally knew then I don't know how I think there's one girl that we're still keep in touch that we went we were in rehab together but um and she's on her own journey and it's beautiful and I'm proud of her but uh so the um people were less scared about COVID so the in-person drug screens had started back up again they weren't quite as often so I was still able to get away with getting high for a little while and um then uh I went in for a drug screen and like I everything went great and I left and she called me a few days later and she was like hey what have you been doing and I'm like nothing what are you talking about had a poppy seed bagel yeah I had a poppy seed bagel yeah um I had several actually I had a whole bag full and I was she was like what she's like what have you been doing just tell me and I was like heroin and she was like you didn't feel for heroin and I was like that's what I like just a drug that I bought that's what I like and I was like what have you been doing just the drug that I did and she was like well you failed for fentanyl so up until that point in time I didn't know what fentanyl was I know I had um a really good friend in high school her name was Alexis and she I watched her do crazy stuff I watched her her and I together did drugs that a doctor will say if you take if you mix those together your heart will explode
1:00:13 you will die if you take those together so we were doing like crazy stuff crazy stuff and um she we were both doing our own thing and she was living in Florida and she talked to her mom and she went to bed and um she didn't wake up oh wow and she had done a Roxy which uh a Roxy is a pill above Percocet so hydro Percocet Roxy okay um so yeah she had done a Roxy and it was pressed with fentanyl and it killed her she didn't wake up and like I didn't think any drug could kill could kill her like I'm telling you we did crazy stuff together I remember like I had like we snuck her a sleeping pill because she had been up so long and she was being so crazy and like just everything like I didn't even know how she was physically still going like we had to feed her a sleeping pill and like I didn't know how she was physically still going like like a dog when you have to sneak pills in their food and uh she finally went to sleep but like I just didn't think anything could kill her and like when hearing the witch it didn't scare me I was just like oh I thought the heroin had just gotten better it's been fitting all this whole time uh and so I she was she was she was pissed with me she was like go in front of the judge and see if she'll let you go to rehab I was so pregnant Brad I was pregnant and um the judge was like Hamilton County's Judge Statum she is amazing and I have love for her and I'm grateful for her and she um she let me go to rehab and I lied and I manipulated them so I was back home and then I got off probation not long after that I got off house arrest with no probation so I was free to do whatever I wanted I had the baby and I was doing better I really was um but only for a little while and then I started drinking and I hate drinking like even the smell of alcohol is just um why did you do it then I didn't want to be sober and I alcohol is legal fentanyl and marijuana and everything was not I mean you can get the vape stores and stuff like THC some other letter at the end like the the vapes and stuff but um well they I don't know they might be might be real marijuana now but it used to be like CBD and stuff so but like I say like I don't know maybe now it's different but um yeah that CBD stuff wasn't any good so that wasn't getting me high so I was drinking a lot like I um there's a vodka it's called pinnacle and uh so it comes in a blue bottle it's like rubbing alcohol it's like a step above rubbing alcohol stuff is burning huh it's terrible yeah but it's cheap you get like a gallon for like 20 bucks maybe maybe even 18 um and I drink a gallon in a day wow and like if there was any left over the next day it was like morning shots like I was drinking all the time I was driving drinking with my children I would uh I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know after you yeah yeah um I don't know God had his hands on us I was never I was drinking so much I never got like to the point of being blacked out like I always remembered everything so I would have vividly remembered the car wreck we would have been in but like I was still drunk you know like inebriated if you will so even though I may have remembered because you know people will drink and they'll be like oh I don't even know what happened this is the last thing I remember and then like they were like whole night after the last thing they remember and they were like they were enjoying the party but they don't remember anything they were just blackout drunk and I did I mean maybe a couple times like I kind of woke up the next morning and I was like I don't really remember how yesterday played out but like not often did I not often did that happen so I was drinking all the time and I was like if I'm gonna like have a head change if I'm gonna not be sober then I might as well do the drugs I like I mean right yeah I said that I'm gonna do the drugs I like I'm gonna why if you why not do what you like you're breaking the law anyways you're buying illegal substances you're well not not that the alcohol was illegal but I was doing illegal things with it you're not supposed to drink it you're not supposed to crack it open on the way home from the liquor store like you're not supposed to do that so um but I can take anything way too far I I really can I um I actually found that out recently with uh social media oh yeah my
1:05:15 my back has been hurting me a lot and I've I was just laying in bed and just scrolling like I wasn't even letting if the video what didn't have like sparkle or something something that caught my eye I was just scrolling past it so like it could have been something that was potentially funny or potentially a good watch but like I was just scrolling yeah like I was maybe watching a video here and there but I was just like doom scrolling and I hear people say doom scrolling and I'm like what does that even mean you go by an hour and it's like what just happened yes it's only a couple minutes I swear yes and I I was only I'm only I've only watched like three or four videos and I've been scrolling for an hour and I couldn't even tell you what the first video was about maybe it was about a cat that was being cute I don't even remember and I it was like consuming me and like I get it I get it yeah it's and it's frustrating because like God freed me from the addiction God freed me from the drugs but now I gotta like watch out like I gotta watch my back watch myself about just anything because I was you know I have two small kids so I was laying in bed like I'd get up to make them something to eat but even then I was getting aggravated because I was hurting yeah and I like just it was it was a blessing because I was like I I gotta I gotta stay out of the bed like even though I'm hurting even if we're gonna sit in the house all the time I can't keep laying in the bed and like my um I'm Baby daddy number one Mike his dad and called me the night before but I didn't feel good. So I didn't answer. So I called him the next morning and this was just a couple days ago. And I was he was like, well, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, and he was like, you don't sound okay. And I was like, I'm not I'm losing my mind. I just lay here and I'm hurting. And I I can't get out of bed and like, get out of bed for what like it's comfortable in bed. And like I was like, there's not a TV in the living room. There's not even anything to do in there. Like, even though my house is like fully furnished with everything like TVs are kind of important and we went a long time without having one but he was like gosh if you just need a TV to help get out of your head he's like I'll help you get one and then I talked to um baby daddy's mom and I was kind of telling her about it and she was like yeah absolutely let's make it happen um and I told her that I found one it was on rollback and um I told her how much and she's like yeah send it to Chris and that's this baby daddy's and um dad's name is Chris and like now that that TV is sitting in my living room and I um David Attenberg I don't know if you ever watched yeah so he's he's like he's he's an older guy and he just has like a great voice so he's narrating like penguins and um honey badgers and giraffes but he has like such a soothing voice so like I play that and then I play um like the most beautiful places on the in the world and it's just like it has helped me and I went from eight hours and 17 minutes on screen time my phone to I think it was four yesterday and like that's just crazy of me that more educational now and more soothing yeah if I'm if I if I use my phone I like I'll play candy crush like I don't even get on Facebook I don't even get on Facebook I don't even get on Facebook I don't even get on Facebook I don't even get on Facebook I don't even get on Facebook I don't even get on Facebook and I deactivated and deleted Instagram and TikTok just because it's dicting yes and it's like rabbit holes like if you watch one thing for too long it's gonna throw things like that up so if you watch um a police body cam footage which is interesting like cops do all kinds of crazy stuff so you watch a couple of those all the way through and you like them then it's throwing up um like cold cases and then it's throwing up like interrogation and then it's throwing up like and then like so you it's from like when the 911 call was made until when they made the bus so I don't know like yeah I don't know it was something crime anyways but I was watching these and like I was like I'm I'm kind of feeling sad and I'm like no wonder you're watching cases where they murdered little girls like what are you saying like I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know what you're saying and God really just and God works with me the way that I need him to but like the last um week like he really like shook me and was like hey I know that you're living life
1:09:59 for the first time like I said we all are but I'm literally living life for the first time because I was a kid and then I was a drug addict and then I was an adult with kids so like there was there's just a lot of things that I missed and I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I um I find myself doing things now and like I'm like I did it wrong and it's like it's so simple to do it right but I just didn't know because it didn't matter if I was doing it right whatever way got it done while I was high and using like nothing mattered except getting to the dope man making sure I had enough aluminum foil lighters cigarettes and like that's all that mattered and it didn't even really matter where we were as long as we weren't hot or cold and we had drugs so um I just I get frustrated with myself like you should be better at this but I'd never done it so and the enemy tries to get me there in a lot of ways too and but um yeah like I said God really worked with me this week and um since last Tuesday actually so today is a week he just really worked with me in like things that aren't working like try something else and then yesterday was uh yesterday was my birthday so we went me and my kids went to walk like we went to the Volkswagen place um and it was pretty we walked for about 30 minutes and I hadn't hurt I didn't hurt all yesterday up until we went on that hike and like my back is hurting sitting here right now but um but I like I was like God well what else do I do maybe we can do something else and I'm like I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I could go hiking because you know hiking's free you pay gas to get there and you have to take food with you but I mean you have to eat at home and so I was like well maybe that maybe we can do that because like I've always wanted to see the world but I could never go I could never leave the dope man I couldn't be far from the dope man what if I run out of dope what if I have to throw it out the window because we get pulled over and if I do have enough but I had to toss it because it's just like so many things went to my mind and the enemy had a real hold on me but um so yeah God's still working on me and God's still working with me and I will continue to pray for you know discernment and so what what about what to do about this pain but I read um I'm reading second Corinthians right now so it was either first Corinthians or I just read it but it was like um people who are in pain have the most in common with Christ and it didn't those weren't I'm that's not word for word but like I just have to now thank God for the pain and thank him that I'm feeling thank him that because for 14 years the drugs that I was doing I didn't feel any pain like even when I didn't have them and I was withdrawing I wasn't feeling my back pain I was feeling the withdraws so yeah my back was hurting but was it because of my pain or was it because you know just everything so um so yeah I had my son went back to drinking and went back to doing drugs because like I said I was in pain and I was in pain and I was in pain and I said if you're gonna use drugs do what you like I mean so um and it was right back till I was on fentanyl and it was right back to prostitution you know not long after and when was this uh my son was new like what year roughly um 2020 2021 I guess beginning of 2021 because I had him in I had him July 30th so I did good for a little while I don't which I don't know things are such a blur that regardless I went back to doing drugs and um so somebody called CPS on me and uh they came out and they were like um to my knowledge at the time drug tests didn't test for fentanyl so like the CPS people kept coming and leaving cards so I called them and I was like yeah can you come at this time blah blah peeing a cup for you like I was so confident that I was going to pass their drug test well she whips out like a stick and I was like what is that and she's like oh it tests for fentanyl because the cup itself it's like it's like cocaine MDMA marijuana it's just like standard stuff like I don't even think DMT maybe DMT I don't know it's just a bunch of letters that unless you do drugs you were like what what is that what is COC like obviously it's cocaine and um so like my heart my throat everything just dropped because I knew they were going to take my son and I just knew that I was in the clear I called them to come there it was on my terms that I peed
1:14:58 in their cup and she whipped that out and my mom was like I'm not taking him she's like you will never get sober if I take this baby so I had to call baby daddy's mom and she came and got him and I was so ready for her to be there and for no other reason than I wanted to go and uh meet the dope man and if I would go and stay with the dope man because you know in when some um the motel six on bonnie oaks you can kind of like do whatever there they know what's going on but they're like ah at least they're um they're together they're not just out roaming the streets dropping drugs not that they okay it but they're like what do you do and so uh I could go that go to the motel six and I could um pay for some drugs and then I could stay there and then people would come and go and somebody would pass drugs to you and it was just it's the ideal way to go especially when you don't have any money like I want to do drugs and I don't have a room to prostitute and then he was um a cool drug dealer if I didn't have um he'd let he'd give me some drugs buy me a room so I could do the drugs so then I was able to prostitute and then I was able to prostitute and then I was able to prostitute and then I was able to prostitute so then I was able to make the money um and not that what he did was okay or good but the next drug dealer was trying to pimp me out keep me so high really I'm like don't even know what's going on and then like I'm just being ran through and I'm so high I don't know and he's like only so that so when yeah so when I say safe drug dealers there's definitely you know dangerous ones who only want to hurt people and then there's drug dealers who like they're their dads their their parents sold drugs and uh that's their their grandpa their grandparents ran moonshine so like that's what they know they're like oh this is it's quick money it's fast money yeah what so if you go to prison for five years if you have five hundred thousand dollars saved up do the five years get out and buy a house and you know it's I see yeah life sucks Brad yeah life sucks people who don't have Jesus who have money aren't happy yeah people who don't have money and don't have Jesus aren't happy like if if you're poor if you're rich and aren't happy there's no there's not a chance yeah in hell that a poor person without Jesus is going to be happy and like it's just so many things and people just want to be a part of something you know and it's sad especially like the girls I was telling you about who grew up and like the dads and uncles and cousins were raping them molesting them feeding them pills getting them high um that's just you know that's when you it's what you know and so a lot of times and and then people are like well didn't they learn any better when their dad ended up rotting in prison it's like well you know we're we're um care we're uh creatures of habit and you only know what you know and it's uh break free from that yeah so um so yeah that he was I couldn't wait to get to my safer drug dealer and uh like time went by and me and baby daddy were together not together I was prostituting so we were together but um and then he would try to work and he would be gone forever and then he wasn't making no money if if you do drugs no money any job you could go do is gonna do it for you you could own a business you could be a millionaire and maybe being a millionaire would take you a lot longer to lose everything you have but me I had nothing I mean I had a little and then I had nothing and it all just happened so quick and um I didn't have my kids uh my mom like my mom has never not talked to me but like I just things things were different and my daughter I'd go see my daughter and I had to had to be right like I had to have like not be on too many drugs where I was nodding out but be on enough drugs where I wasn't sick and I'd go hang out with her and she'd try to stay awake because she knew when she fell asleep that I would be good she'd wake up and I wouldn't be there and like this just went on and on and like I just I really like it set in I didn't have anything I didn't have anybody um even like
1:19:47 all my friends are dead and a lot of people that I've done drugs with or lived in that life with have also passed and I mean there's there's definitely people I know that are still actively doing that because you can just tell when people haven't made a change and like all of this all of that just terrible this led up to this like to me being a mom it's been uh April May June July August it's almost been a year and five months wow since God set me free and like finding God is not a cure-all like having Jesus be a part of your life doesn't make everything perfect he's not a fairy God father and but he you know like he works with me like I for the first year I did not have any back pain and I know I know that was because God knew I wouldn't have been able to handle it God knew if I would have been hurting as bad as I was that like started my addiction like he knew I would have went back that's because I I went to spine specialists and stuff and they're like oh yeah your back's really messed up so this just wasn't mysteriously not messed up this entire year it's like God knew I wouldn't be able to handle it God knew he would have lost me and um if I were to go out right now and get some fentanyl and do it I'd probably die and and I mean that's with fentanyl period like they say like the the tip of an ink pen like that's the amount that it takes to kill you wow um and I I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember um like just smoking and smoking and smoking you put it on a piece of aluminum foil and then like you know aluminum foil gets hot really quick you just kind of run the lighter back and forth and it would produce smoke so everybody else is like nodding out overdosing and I'm just like I can't get high I'm just like sucking all the smoke up that I can and they're like and I'm like um people say that this much will kill somebody like I can't even get high that's not even true so now I don't doubt that that's true that because um there's been like a kid picked up a bag a year a dollar bill at a park or something and it had had fentanyl in it and the kid didn't make it and then the same thing with um not a kid somewhere else maybe it was a folded up dollar bill and they opened it and maybe it just got on their hands maybe a gust of wind put it in their face but um that they didn't make it as well actually now that I'm saying that out loud I don't know if that person died or not but anyways they're always pushing that fentanyl will kill you and I'm not saying it won't because all my friends are dead but at the time like a drug that they were like putting up billboards about like um just this terrible drug that was taking my my best friend his name was Jacob Jacob Barry loved him short guy he was so funny I loved him so much and i got the news that he had overdosed and died and i was like do you know where he got it who says that who says that and i was like i bet those were really good because he was a an addict too like so i know he was doing lots of drugs like i was doing lots of drugs so i was like wow if that killed him they must have been really good or laced or something right well i mean what do you lace fit and all with yeah i don't know i i'm showing ignorance here but no well no you just don't know but like most people when they die from something a drug it was laced with fit and all like if it's yeah if drugs have killed someone just you can it's safe to assume that no fit and all yeah and it's even in marijuana now because people are always like oh i just smoked pot okay well your pot may or may not have the remnants of fit and all so it might kill you and then i went to rehab one time and there was this girl when you're in when like the intake rehab they like they strip you down naked you got a squat and cough if you got like they want to see in your hair so um there's like there's no hiding anything going into intake of treatment you are there because you want to be there like nobody makes you go to rehab so these people had absolutely
1:24:42 no reason to lie like you are peeing in a cup and you are naked in front of strangers like why would you have why would you lie about anything so a girl comes in and like she failed for meth and fentanyl and she's like baby i don't do fentanyl she's like i smoke my meth i like meth i like upper she's like i don't do that and they were like well you failed and she was just like everybody was kind of because she wouldn't lie she's got no reason to lie she's a she's death jail and rehab are your lowest places she has and nobody has any reason to think she's lying because like i said this is all out and open at this point and so she you know people that like meth like to be up yeah and people who don't like meth like to smoke fentanyl and fall asleep and drool on themselves and burn themselves with their cigarette that's just and if you mix them together that's not good either it's just it's drugs are a mess yeah but at the same time they they made me who i am because if it weren't if it wouldn't have been for all those terrible things that i had a front row seat to i don't think i would ever truly love god the way that i do right now and um i liked i like to think because um there's gonna come a time like i've been to so many rehabs like there's statistics for everything like only one or two percent of meth users will completely put down meth and then there's you there's a um a percentage of every drug and every person or whatever and um there's like a really really high percent that uh both my kids would be drug addicts um if one of your parents is an addict then you have like i don't know maybe 15 20 30 percent chance of having a drug addict and then you have like a really really high percent addiction issues and if both of your parents are addicts you know i can't i don't even want to know the numbers for that so um and places i've been like they've been like you know it's better to be safe than sorry so at there's gonna be a time like when your kids obviously not mine because they're five and eight but like there's gonna come a time where i'm gonna have to be like look you can't be out here trying drugs yeah i had a i had a friend she's she she's still alive because she wasn't an addict we would um go and we would try a drug and she'd be like yeah it was it was cool um let's go shopping and i'm like yeah it was cool and i want to do that every second for the rest of my life now like what do you mean go shopping i need this money i need to go prostitute some more i need more money so i can buy more drugs like go shopping for what you've lost your mind like she's the crazy one some people are just not drug addicts they're like college kids that can it can drink and you know just experiment with and then like ace all of their you know go to all their classes and get it all right and like i will have to talk to god and like work on a way like how am i going to tell my kids you can't do stuff that other people are doing not that anybody should be out experimenting with drugs but it's life and you know like wow it's life i never thought about that some people have an affinity towards being more addicted to things yeah i never thought about that yeah absolutely so it's it's all you know your family your family's history if grandpa was an alcoholic you might not be an alcoholic but you may be um maybe a prescription pill addict like it just addiction doesn't discriminate and um i don't know there's so many times where i had a bad experience with drugs where i could have walked away but like i feel like the enemy was always like it's safer like oh well you did that last time and you got sick and you threw up but like not this time like the first couple times i did rocks the first time i did a roxy like i did it and i threw up and then a couple times after that and then like the manager of the strip club she's like you're gonna do some more you're in here sick now and i was like no never well i was maybe the next day like i was doing more so um nothing ever scared me i remember smoking fentanyl after i got my son back remember smoking fentanyl off a tinfoil in the public's parking lot in udawa with him in the back seat and um i nodded out i don't know how long i don't know how long we were sitting there um it was still daylight so but like i
1:29:37 didn't even pull in like deeply i got like because my intent was i'm gonna pull in here i'm gonna pull in the parking space i'm gonna hit this and i'm gonna be on my way well that's not what happened so like somebody could have pulled up and saw that i was like that i was nodded out and my son was sitting in the back and i could have lost him for good i could have killed him from smoking fentanyl with the windows up in a parked car with no ventilation i think my window was probably cracked or something but regardless like this stuff that's killing people and my son's just sitting in the back breathing it and the same with my daughter that who smoked um whatever drug in front of them like not with them looking at me like i'd try to turn or something but if if they walked around and saw i just like turn a little more it's not like oh let me go walk myself in another room i didn't care i needed it to take care of them i needed it to be a good mom and um obviously that's crazy but i hurt so bad and my dad like i would be i'd be clean for a little while and my dad would call my mom and he'd be like she's playing with the kids so i know she's using again because i was hurting so but without the drugs i didn't feel good enough to play with them i'm not getting down in the floor i might not be able to get back up and i'm like i'm not okaying what i what i did parenting and doing drugs i'm not not that not that at all it's just like this was bad pain yeah and so yeah like god spared me of that the first it's only been the past three or four months that i've been hurt and i've been hurting but god's worked with me like we've worked through it together and now um i'm gonna get up and move around whether i want to or not what a life and i see god working in your life immensely i haven't known you very long but i do know that that since we have been at church together that you have been an amazing person you are bubbly you're bright and i bet it's a world of difference between now and when you were back then i'm sure you were always had a similar personality but on drugs it's probably suppressed a little bit right so yeah all glory to god and then yeah on drugs i wasn't seeing people like i didn't want to see anybody so and not having drugs will make you very angry because it's dope sick is dope sickness is the worst like you can't do anything i have some questions i always go to patreon and i ask them what would you ask and i have too many so i'm not gonna i'm not gonna give them all to you but i have them grouped into sections and so pick a couple of them i'm gonna read them each section and i'll pick a couple of them that you're like oh that's interesting yeah we talk about that it doesn't have to be a long story but um see what you can get out of here real quick um how did the system of prostitution um as far as control who was in control uh did you have uh let's see you already answered that were there any unspoken codes among girls about among the people among among the the pimps uh managing and who's managing them are you in a mug and drunk dealers what were some of the things that you saw or experienced that most people wouldn't believe unless they lived it what was a normal day like for you was there even a normal can you describe some of the dangers that you faced daily the dangers i faced daily are so many that i'm sure there was dozens that i had no idea were happening um so many instances where god stepped in or an angel stepped in because i remember there was times where um a guy he made a mistake and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so very sorry so but when he was like oh hello somebody just messaged me on facebook and he was like can you meet up and i'm like i'm not um i don't know maybe i said i'm not meeting anybody new right now and he was like what he's like i just saw you not too long ago he's like what do you mean new like we've done this before and i had no idea who this guy was so so i like i could have been kidnapped and raped and then let go and that's that's our humdrums know what we're talking about and there would have been a possibility where i would have had no idea who the person was
1:34:26 and like talk to them set the arrangement up and had no idea who they were and i just i feel like and these people that are buying prostitutes are not bad guys they're not they're everybody like i my thing was drugs and their their thing is sex and god doesn't look on any of them as less than another and then like there was this one guy i met he worked at coca-cola and i know there's one here and maybe there's one in nashville or knoxville somewhere but anyways he'd go back and forth between the two so when he was here he was like not at home obviously because he was back and forth and like he would he'd holler at me when he was in chattanooga and um he he you know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know which he had showed me pictures of his kids of his wife he just was out of town and wanted something while he was out of town he wasn't a bad guy i mean he was because he was cheating on his wife and you know but like he wasn't a bad guy like wanting to hurt somebody type of bad guy just a worldly guy like who knows if he even knew god he might have not even knew that he was doing as wrong as he was and just so many of those guys were like that and and then one guy i i met him when i i had i had zep my son in like one of those tiny baby carriers where it's got the handle like i would i would carry my baby in there i would sit zeppelin around facing the wall in his little carrier and i would prostitute with this guy he also worked he worked at the dr pepper plant and he was nice he was lonely uh he really liked star wars he went to star wars and disney and he got to build his own um light sword okay like lightsaber yeah uh and he was excited about it like he was a nerd he was just a nice freaking guy and maybe he was maybe he was awkward maybe that's why like he ended up getting married and things didn't work out because he he asked me not too long ago if i wanted to go to chick-fil-a with him and i was like and he know like he's told me he's proud of me and that's not what he wants and i was just like i don't think is that a code word or is that just going to chick-fil-a just going to chick-fil-a okay okay and he was like and the kids could play yeah you never know um and i was just like i don't think that's something i can do not because i did because he wasn't a drug addict so like i was he's just a nice guy that i prostituted with and um i was like i can't not because you not because of anything i cannot let my daughter see me going out to eat with men like i cannot let her think that anything i did was okay like i even her dad's in prison and he gets out in january and like i talked to him and i was like you're not about to be introducing to her to every girlfriend you get like unless you are like engaged to this person i don't want them meeting our daughter and like i cried to him and i was like mike you know everything i've been through like i don't want her to ever think that like a revolving door of people is okay because and then this is um people will talk bad about prostitutes but like they'll hype up the whole world and they'll hype up the whole world and like at least the prostitutes getting paid i mean what is what is what's like how are you gonna look bad upon one and good upon the other like one of them has a better worth ethic like you're not even getting mcdonald's you're just you know like you gotta pay for the uber back home like that's stupid and not that and and i know like we are meant to find a partner and that's who we're supposed to be with you know it's biblical biblical but that's just that's not what happens now and i just there's so many things that i don't want my daughter to ever think is okay that seemed so minor to me media do you you mentioned you talked a little bit about media when you were talking about this do you think that media played any any part into how your role and how how prostitution is viewed in society or have you you you mentioned that you you had a tv and you you keep it primarily on nature and stuff like this is that for your kids i mean do you do you think about that stuff or is that just like absolutely absolutely i um that's why i got rid of the tv to begin with because everything that came on it was um trash like a literal garbage movies and tv shows that glorified the life that killed all my friends
1:39:06 and like it could have killed me like god is the only reason like it's nothing i done like god knew that i would forever sing his praises and i had to pray in mama i think that's the only reason the only difference between me and all my friends that have died and everyone that has died to addiction absolute absolute battle behind the scenes did you ever feel like you were being influenced or tormented by unseen forces have you ever had any spiritual experiences dreams oppressions voices encounters or um that you now understand differently since coming to christ or maybe you've never had any spiritual experiences or maybe you've never had any spiritual experiences or maybe you understood at that time too and along the same lines what role do you think demons and spiritual warfare played we kind of covered that a little bit but um a little bit but uh i a lot of people don't believe in the devil they don't believe in heaven or hell or god or the devil and that's fine but i know that the devil is real because i met him you met him um yes his um his demons that he had torturing me and taunting me were very real like when i tell you like i was talking to something or somebody that wasn't there like they were there it's got to be demonic when you when you're when no one else is seeing it and you're seeing it yeah it's demonic what was some of the stuff you were seeing that no one else saw um i would have like maybe i'd stay up so long i just like crashed so physically well i guess physically i was laying down and i was resting but mentally i was seeing and hearing the craziest things like and i'm like having whole conversations and i remember because my baby daddy beat me in my sleep and he was like you wouldn't shut up i didn't like the stuff that you were saying and he was like i'm going to sleep i'm going to sleep i'm going to sleep 이�iumsum i'm gonna sleep And, like, I was there.
1:41:18 I was not awake, but I was awake. I don't know. It's, um, have you ever, like, been laying in your bed and maybe your alarm goes off and you snooze it? And, like, you can tell you're asleep, but, like, you can hear maybe the dog's, the dog's claws tapping on the ground. But, like, you're asleep. So, I guess that's the best way that I can describe it because, like, crazy things were happening to me in this dream. And, like, when my baby daddy hit me, like, that happened in my dream as well. Like, but I felt it. So, and from where I hadn't been feeling things in the dream, it's, I don't know, man. Yeah, yeah. The physical and the spiritual are real. Something is happening. What advice do you have for Christians, you and me, we're Christians, who want to help but are naive to the manipulation?
1:42:13 And the drugs and all the addictions. How would they help? How could they help you? I'm thinking back on your. Pray. All they can do is pray. If you are, if you were to offer an addict a place to stay, you're going to take advantage of the situation. Stuff's going to come up missing. If you told them you would take them grocery shopping, they're going to, the local dope man probably is needing some food. So, they can be. They're going to be like, hey, look, I brought you all these groceries. You going to give me something? Unless you are driving them to a shelter, a rehab, or buying them McDonald's prayers. The only thing you can do to help them. You can't give them $5 to go get the McDonald's themselves.
1:43:09 You have to drive through McDonald's. You have to ask them what they want. Go through and get it and bring it back to them. Because, I mean, that's generally not something. You're going to trade to the dope man, a number one with extra mac sauce. Unless he's really close by and you can get it to him warm. Then he might take it. But, there's nothing that you can do. There's nothing that you, they can't say or do that wouldn't manipulate you into doing what. And you'd be like, oh, well, it's just the right thing. It's, it's, they're not trying to manipulate me. That's exactly what they're trying to do. They're trying to get their way. There's nothing that you can do but pray. And I said this in church a couple weeks ago. Like, everybody should mention in their prayers, Lord, please be with the people in institutions, jails, prisons, rehabs.
1:44:04 Like, be with those people. Like, reveal yourself and show them your love. Because people will go to rehabs and it's 30 days. So, by the time they're done, they're going to be in jail. By the end of the 30 days, you're super sober. You're feeling really good. You're, like, positive about, like, getting a job and doing this and doing that. But then you get out and, like, nothing's changed. Everybody that you could go to to get drugs, get free drugs, to do some free drugs with, they're all still out there doing that. And even as bad as you don't want to do it, when it's either go spend the night with somebody, or you're not going to do it, it's either go spend the night with somebody, or you're not going to do it, it's either go spend the night with somebody, or you're not going to do it. Or sleep on the streets, and maybe it's cold, or maybe it's raining, or maybe it's hot. Like, you know, do you expect someone to go, you know, sleep in the snow rather than go indoors?
1:45:02 Like, and then they might be like, oh, well, I'm going to go stay with them, and I'm stronger than that. I'm not going to do anything. Like, that's a joke. You're kidding yourself. If you think that you can go around people who drink, do drugs, or anything like that after you get sober, then that's... You'll find out the hard way. Absolutely. Because nobody's going to listen. You'll be like, people, places, and things, you have to change them all. And they're like, oh, they don't know me. And it's like, well, you know, they do, so... Is that what they tell you in rehab? People, places, and things? Yes. So many cliches, one day at a time, just for today, people, places, and things. Yeah. That's a good advice. I never thought about that. Because I had a friend that... We were...
1:45:50 He stayed with us for a little while, and he was becoming a Christian. He wasn't... I don't think he was on drugs, but he was definitely in a different lifestyle. And he went back to his friends, and it drug him back out of the church. And I never saw him again. And so, people, places, and things. That's very good advice. I never thought about that. Street smarts. That was one of the... Under that one. Trust out there. How did trust work out there? Was anyone ever really safe? I think we answered that a little bit. You had people... Not everyone's bad. You know, things like that. That's good. Predators and gatekeepers. What kind of people did you learn to stay away from, even when they offered help, if there was such a thing?
1:46:41 How do people manipulate trust out there? What does a fake friend look like when survival is on the line? And how did you learn to spot someone who had bad intentions? Were you able to become kind of an intuition on who was good and who was bad when you were on the street, understanding the drugs, understanding the prostitution? Or did the drug kind of cloud your mind and you didn't care? I didn't care. I didn't... Like, the only friends that I had... Are, you know, people that I would do drugs safely around. Like, and that wasn't a problem. But, I mean, that was my friend Jacob and his girlfriend. Like, I did have other friends that maybe we were friends before the drugs. And, like, they, you know, they lost their battle. But I, like, didn't want to be around nobody.
1:47:44 I wanted to... Because I had my house. So I wanted to go get my drugs. And I wanted to come home. And I wanted to come home. And I wanted to come home. And I wanted to come back to my house. And I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to do my drugs in peace. And I didn't want to be bothered. And then so many people, you know, the drug scene is, like, people. Like, I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like to be around a bunch of people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, people aren't... Yeah, I get it. I get it. I won't drag you through all these questions. But I find that... And they're very interesting to hear your side of it and how it's actually going on out there. Because I think there's a world that Satan has created to trap people in. And it's like... We have mice sometimes.
1:48:36 And so I try to get a buck and I try to save them. Because I'm a softie. I don't want to strike them on the head and kill them. But it's so hard. Because you want to trap them and take them somewhere. But Satan, he'll trap you. He'll take you to places you don't want to be. And so it's fascinating to see your side of things and what's actually happened. And how God pulled you out of this. It's just amazing. All glory to him. All glory to him. Thank you so much for coming out and doing this. This has been very interesting. How... I guess for the last question. How are you making money now? And I heard that you had stickers. You had. You had... You had pictures of like a figurine of Jesus. And you would give out. And people love those. If they could... If someone could help you do more of that, how could they do that?
1:49:28 I... Not a lot of people are nice when I tell them that Jesus loves them. So I do the stickers and the tiny Jesuses. Just... People get so excited about them. And it's just me feeling like I did something. Because I never feel like I'm doing enough for God. Like he spared my life. And I feel like I should just be... Just be living every second of my day for Jesus. And I am. But like, you know... You want to be doing something. Like when it's something you're passionate about. You want to like be out there and doing it. And anytime we go to... To... The gas station or Walmart. We'll go to gas stations. And I have these little cards that say, Jesus loves you. And it's a big smiley face in the middle. And then on the back, it's like... You know, I have to send you a picture.
1:50:15 It's just cute little short sweet to the point. Like things about like how we know that God loves us. And so it's not like a track, like a Bible track. But like just front and back card. And I'll tape those to the gas pumps. And like sometimes I'll hand them out. But I like to tape them to the gas pumps. But if I give somebody that. Or a tiny Jesus or a sticker. And maybe they don't even... Maybe they just stick it on like a random... Anything. Yeah. If two people walk by and see that. And it makes them think. Like even if the first person maybe didn't want it. And they just took it and stuck it somewhere. Like God uses a bad for good. There's nothing that we could ever do. That would stop God's plan for us. And that is so beautiful to me.
1:51:05 And like given these tiny Jesuses. And these stickers may seem like so silly. And so unimportant to some people. But it's like it's what I can do. And God did everything for me. And I just want to share his love. And... You know people talk about like... Or the Bible even talks about like... You should correct people when they're wrong. You know like... And that's... Yes. I absolutely agree with that. But like for me it's just like sharing the love of Jesus. Like people are already so screwed up. And so hurt. That like people think going to a pride parade. And like telling them that they're all abominations. And that God finds them abominations. And that they will never enter the kingdom of heaven. These people need the first step.
1:51:54 They need Christ first. Yes. And then maybe things can change. But they primarily need the help and the love of Christ. Yes. Once you understand that everything changes. And me telling people that Jesus loves them. Is I feel like that's... And sharing the story is exactly what God wants me to be doing right now. And... You know... Everybody's financially... Finances right now are kind of tight. But it's just me and my kids. It's just me, God, and my kids. And like I know He's going to work it out. And I know everything's going to be all right. And I know that sharing this story with here with you. Somebody's going to reach out to me and be like... Can you come to my church? Yes. Can you come here? Will you speak to these kids? Because I had a lady...
1:52:41 It's been... It's been such a journey this past year and five months. A lady from our church. Ellen. I'm sure you're familiar with her. She... She invited me to the women's retreat at Cahutta. The Georgia Cumberland Conference women's retreat. And she asked me... It was like a while before it was. And I was like, I don't know. Mom, would you watch the kids? And my mom was like, absolutely. So all this happened really quick. Right in the church. She's like, do you want to go? And I was like, I don't know, Mom. And my mom was like, yes. So I went. And like I had already surrendered to God. And like me and God had already been moving. But like being here, like these people, these Adventists who had never done anything wrong. And like we've all sinned. We've all fallen short of the glory of God. But most Adventists haven't done or seen anything like I've seen and done.
1:53:33 So that's what I mean when I say they haven't done anything wrong. So and these Adventist people that have never even really done anything wrong. They like, they heard me. They listened to me. They didn't judge me. And so I went to the... Kahuda Retreat. And like I stayed one night after it closed. There was a prayer room downstairs. And I stayed and I went downstairs. And I was talking to this lady. Her name is Sarah. And I didn't know who she was at the time. But she was like an important person there. And so I'm like, I'm sharing with her like my story. And she goes back and tells Amy, who is like the lady, the lady of the Georgia Cumberland Conference. I'm not even going to attempt to unpronounce her last name. But she like... They were talking about me. So like Amy knew that Ellen was from Harrison. So she reached out to Harrison. And then she got a hold of Ellen.
1:54:27 And then they invited us to a tea party in Collegedale. And I didn't even know this place was there. And it was so cute. And it was like a real tea party. And like, yeah, they brought me and Ellen. And like I kind of gave them a summary of my story. And it like took off from there. I've shared it 20... 25, 26, maybe 27 now after today. Places I've shared this story. And my one, the link from Harrison where I shared my story there. That YouTube link has over 500 views. And then the new one has over 500 views. And you think like, that's not a lot. You see TikTok videos with like 1.7 million views. But like that a little over a thousand views is a lot to me. Like, because these views you see in TikTok, you're not touching anybody.
1:55:22 You know, you're not like really talking to their heart. And like these people that... It's too fast. Yeah. And the people that have watched this video, I know it's... And not that it's only been a thousand because churches I've spoke at, I've had many people there and stuff. But like, you know, grown men, my cousin, my mom's cousin, she sent it to him. He watched it. And he was like, we watched... I watched it again. You know, that's just not something a man like, oh, I'm going to listen to that again. My cousin, Jennifer, she was like, I'm listening to it again because she didn't make it to the live one. She's like, I'm listening to it for the second time. And it's like, how impactful does something have to be for you to watch it more than once? And it wasn't entertaining.
1:56:10 I wasn't like juggling and like riding a unicycle while doing it. I was just staring at my phone. Like I was nervous and like, and these people still watched it again. And I prayed. I'm like, Lord, help me write this. And like, it just poured out of me. Like the copy that I have on my phone that I read at churches and stuff. And like, people are like, you're a good writer. Like, oh, did you, did you do that? And like me and God. Absolutely. Absolutely. And they're blessed because of it. So that's, that's God give you a testimony. And do you... i have so many questions i'll i'm i'm trying to cut this down but do you have accountability now or do you have like are you are you near family or do you how do you how do you maintain your your accountability to so you don't fall back god god god uh i mean my mom does live next door but she recently married and um and i don't see anybody daily so i could get away with it if i were to go back and that's just not something that's ever been on my mind um praise the lord this pain that i have now is like the pain that drove me into addiction and it's been so bad the last couple months that like i've cried i've spent all day in bed i've never once thought about going to get in any fentanyl praise the lord wow so praise god because and like i said i know i'm just repeating myself but god spared me that year because he knew he knew i would i would have went back to using it's the only explanation it's like it wasn't luck wasn't magic it was god's grace and his mercy and that's the only reason i sit here with you today it's because god is good it's a great place to end can you close prayer yes father god i thank you for another day for all of us lord i thank you for the things that you're doing in all of our lives seen and unseen father god i ask that you just keep your hands on everybody who's watching listening to this lord i pray that you shower them in your love and that you show them the peace and the and the mercy that only comes from you lord i'm so thankful that i have you and i'm so thankful that we can just pray to you whenever we get to hanker into father god we love you so much and we thank you so much for loving us amen amen